Growing up in the ‘90s was pretty special. Biggie songs were debuting on Hot 97; Jordan was making his case for the GOAT; Zack Morris was absolutely slaying at Bayside. This neon-coated time period birthed a generation old enough to appreciate life prior to social media, but young enough to not confuse “DM” with Dave Matthews.
The tail-end of the ‘90s witnessed the rise of the internet, Bill Clinton’s infamous “I did not have sexual relations with that woman” quote, and the ultimate bloodsport, Celebrity Deathmatch.
Come on, you know you loved Celebrity Deathmatch in its heyday. MTV’s claymation stop-motion grudge battle series pinning Hollywood’s biggest stars against one another. The results were always the same: blood, gore, more blood, violence, awesome entertainment—America. I can’t quite remember the ’99 Super Bowl victor, but damn do I remember the ’99 Celebrity Deathmatch Deathbowl: a hotly contested battle resulting in Madonna’s triumph over Michael Jackson by kicking him into a vat of acid. After two cancellations and a promised tertiary revival, we’re left craving more crude clay materialization death matches. It’s unclear if MTV’s best show will make a comeback, but I think we’d settle for the next best thing.
*Mic lowers to Michael Buffer at center ring*
“In the red corner, unsure if he’s a blood or a Gangster’s Disciple, the guy who had one popular track 10-years-ago, and is still desperately clutching onto that shred of relevance, it’s Sooooulljaaa Boooyyyyyy!” *Soulja Boy cranks it a few times, giggles, raises his arms in anticipatory victory—everyone boos.*
“In the blue corner, fresh off his hard-fought battle against former Miss California Regional 2016, Baylee Curran, the man who’s shown his viciousness by way of Rihanna’s face, it’s Chris “My mother taught me to treat a lady respectfully” Browwwwnnnn!! *Chris Brown erects, runs in place a few times, cups his ear with his hand—several disingenuous claps ensue.* (The “my mother taught me…” line is a direct Brown quote…)
The announcers confer about the upcoming bout: “You know Marv, I’m surprised Breezy agreed to this fight, considering it’s not against a female opponent”…“Well Chris, let’s not act too surprised—Soujla Boy is quite the bitch. This shouldn’t be too big of a jump in weight class for Brown.” (In my mind, Marv Albert and Chris Webber are the only commentating team suited for this bizarre battle.)
Yup, that’s right—we might finally receive a real-life Celebrity Deathmatch. After an ongoing beef between Soulja Boy and Chris Brown, it looks like the two are finally putting their phones away, emerging from their social media-casted shadows, and physically settling their dispute once and for all. However, the feud’s background isn’t quite Rocky material.
Surprise, surprise—it’s over a girl. Specifically, actress, Karrueche Tran. Here’s the list of events: Soulja Boy liked a picture of Karrueche on IG; Chris Brown FaceTimed Soulja, threatening him for liking said picture; Breezy claims the call never happened; the two traded social media insults; we’re now promised a three-round fight. And who said millennials are the dumbest generation?
Yes, the nature of this battle is extremely petty, sophomoric, juvenile, infantile—other SAT words that eluded me while testing. But I would be lying if I said I wasn’t excited. And why shouldn’t we be? Since the dawn of time, humans have craved the marriage of violence and entertainment. The Romans had Gladiators; the ‘70s had Ali-Frazier; we’re hopefully going to witness Breezy-Soulja: The Real Celebrity Deathmatch. Humans have a thirst for blood. We have a thirst for watching skinny rappers/singers elevate their 140-character conflict to fisticuffs.
As if their statuses alone didn't qualify an effortless fight promotion, two seismic boxing names have attached themselves to this bout: Floyd Mayweather and Mike Tyson. Are we sure this isn’t MTV’s creative way of promoting the upcoming Celebrity Deathmatch season? If it is, whomever’s heading that campaign deserves to be featured on Advertising Age for 2017’s remainder. As seasoned veterans and boxing legends, Floyd and Mike’s involvement legitimizes the contest by hopefully elevating the opponents’ hand games into something worthwhile. Floyd is training Soulja, and Tyson is taking Brown under his wing. In my mind, one of the “fighters” craves professional help more than the other.
If you live under a rock, have zero social media presence, or are 65, then you probably didn’t witness one of Instagram’s latest updates: live video feeds. That’s right—our narcissistic generation just went from self-absorption to “oh wait, there are, like, other people in the world besides me?” Despite the troubling dissociating reality of live-streaming, there are some amazing, succulent, juicy benefits. Mainly, watching Soulja Boy getting punked in real-time. While demonstrating his hood allegiance and appeal to—that’s right, you guessed it—Chris Brown, Soulja donned his arm around a suspected fan. Just like me, and hopefully you, the kid wasn’t a fan and immediately threw Soulja’s friendly gesture to the side like a used condom. Were fists thrown? Did Soulja boy get his ass beat? No one knows for sure, but the video provides enough ammunition to pleasure myself for the next few months. This, coupled with the fact that Breezy is actually an athlete, paints a dim picture for Soulja Boy’s chances at besting his adversary. But his recent induction into Floyd’s The Money Team (TMT) has certainly narrowed the Vegas betting line.
In case everything I just mentioned wasn’t bizarre enough, another fun little caveat has erupted from the Brown-Boy beef: Mike Tyson’s rap career. Yeah, Mike Tyson’s rap career… That’s a sentence that I never thought I’d type out, yet I really can’t be too surprised. This is the same guy after all who was quoted saying, “I sacrificed so much of my life—can I at least get laid? I’ve been robbed of most of my money—can I at least get a blowjob? And who could forget, “I wish one of you guys had children so I could kick them in their fucking head or stop on their testicles, so you could feel my pain because that’s the pain I have waking up everyday.” So no, guess I can’t be too shocked.
This certified RIAA Gold track, “If You Show Up,” is a lyrical tirade guillotining Soulja Boy once and for all, with mind-bending bars like, “I’m Mike Tyson, it’s going down / I’m gonna teach him how to knock your ass out.” Who says that repeated brain trauma stifles future cerebral functionality? You shaking yet, Soulja? The crank that rapper recently retaliated by issuing his own diss track, “Hit ‘Em With the Draco”—aimed at Breezy and 50 Cent. (50 publicly announced his Chris Brown allegiance).
2017 is shaping up to be a bizarre successor to the dick of a year that was 2016. But hey, I’ll gladly take regulated senseless, highly entertaining, violence between a couple of egomaniacs over a retarded president and host of premature deaths. The ’17 Celebrity Deathmatch Deathbowl is poised to be the TV event of the year, and is scheduled to occur sometime this March in either Las Vegas or LA. Get your popcorn out folks—it’s going to be a good one.